Last month I posted a similar theme. I know what I want in my life. I know what I want to do yet actually doing it is a completely different thing entirely.
I’m two months in from not having a full-time job. It’s scary and I’m having to come to terms with not making the best or “safe” decisions in hindsight career wise. I took a risk trying sales again. The positives for doing that was what I learned about myself and sales in general.
I have extensive knowledge in marketing. I can totally do my own thing (or so I think) but actually finding the clients I need and want is a completely different thing than knowing I have the knowledge to be successful. So I have launched my own Marketing Strategy & Consultancy if you need any help with marketing – I’ve got you!
On paper I’m a mess – I haven’t had the same job for over a year since the agency I really enjoyed working at went out of business. Our team was great, our clients were great. It was a huge and unexpected change for me and I feel it might have been the start of my mindset faltering. When it comes down to it – I am responsible for what I believe about myself.
Lately I feel like I’m two different people half of the time. I have days where I’m hopeful, happy and looking forward to what’s next and then I let my self doubt creep in and it can get pretty dark in-between my own two ears. If I compare myself to others at my age, it’s so bad. I have zero savings. No retirement and I’m currently living on unemployment and working part time substitute teaching as I try and build my own freelance business.
I also have debts owed and I’m considering filing bankruptcy just to start over again but I can’t even afford that right now. So this is me entirely vulnerable, feeling like I won’t ever make it but getting up every morning, putting a smile on my face, being there for my kids as much as I can and doing what I can to fill in the gaps.
It’s scary, but the idea of me being patient enough to try my damnedest to build this business is what my spirit is telling me to do and that isn’t the “safe” thing. I think most people would tell me to find a salaried job, health insurance, and stability. But do we even have that with any company? Based on my experience, we don’t! I have put in a lot of resumes in the past two months and gotten barely any response. The market is terrible. I also know that businesses fold, people get laid off, companies get bought out and they clean house. I won’t lie – I love the flexibility and I wish I was in a position to have the least amount of expenses but I’m still two years away or more from being able to move into a 1 bedroom and live by myself.
So I’m keeping busy. I started writing again about music at Waaltmusic Blog. I’m starting to craft a podcast or technically an audio journal to process what’s happened in the last few years. Getting over the death of someone close to me was difficult. I feel in my heart I need to talk about it to get it out and move on. Maybe in turn it would help someone else, too.
The idea of dating anyone is nowhere on my list. Sure it sounds nice to try and meet someone but I truly have to get my life together first. I’ve been single long enough I’m used to it. But I won’t lie, it would still be nice to feel like you have a person cheering for you. Someone to rely on, but sadly even when I was in relationships I didn’t feel that way very often, either. Maybe one day I’ll get to experience it.
I don’t mean for this to be a downer post – but I do know that I’m going to go full throttle with building my business and if I fail, surely I will have learned something from this experience too. I’m thankful for my parents who have come through and helped me even though I feel terrible about it. I also can’t scroll LinkedIn for very long as the multitude of posts of people needing a full time gig is astounding. That’s another reason why I feel I have to do this. I have to try my best because I know I can’t rely on a company to keep paying my bills. If I can control it through my own effort in working for myself, that would be the best situation I could think of.
If anyone has any pointers, encouragement or ideas to monetize my marketing knowledge, please share! I do have a marketing guide I’m selling on my website but I’m also not the pushy sales type so it’s listed down at the very bottom. I’m brainstorming on curating different versions like B2B, ECommerce and possibly different industries too. I’m going to do my best.
If anyone has been in this type of situation before and has come out on the other side, I’d love some encouragement too! I know I will get through this and it won’t always be this way but at this moment, I’m struggling. I feel like now it’s best to be honest than faking it. I know if I focus on the steps I need to take to get to my version of success I will be OK. Until then it’s a daily internal wrestling from within to focus on the happy and hopeful version of me instead of the fearful and anxious one.
I’m a work in progress and I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other – it’s really all I know I can do. One day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time.
