Why is my human nature to go back to negative thinking? I have read so many books, I believe in so many bible verses that reinforce that I am worth something, that I can do whatever I put my mind to. That I need to focus on the good things, and the love.
The problem for me is – whole heartedly believing it for more than 30,60 or 90 days. I want to be bulletproof. I want to believe deep down in my bones that I am good, that I am smart, that I am worthy of living a life that isn’t so uncertain and daunting.
But the truth is, life has turned out for me a completely different way of what I envisioned or what I wanted. My experiences, circumstances and situations have been challenging. I didn’t have some amazing trajectory in my career like I envisioned. I do have 2 beautiful kids that I am eternally grateful for, but no long-standing relationship or marriage. I know that comparison is the thief of joy but I look around and I don’t feel accomplished, or proud of where I am at 50 years old.
Maybe this is my mid life crisis? Except I don’t have money in the bank to go on some trip to “find myself” or re-invent who I am. Instead I have debt, uncertainty and loss. I’m trying to do my best but when my best isn’t good enough it’s a blow to my confidence and my self-esteem.
I am trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other, but my worst habit is isolation. When things aren’t good – I don’t talk much or reach out. I go inward and the more time I sit with my thoughts – the worse it gets and it’s all in my head.
My daughter and I saw Hadestown at the movies because at the moment I can’t afford much of anything right now, let alone tickets to a traveling Broadway show. The theme was so true – doubt creeps in. Uncertainty can over take someone and even when I’m told or know – do this, not that – I will still do that just to see?? Why? I don’t know.
Maybe that is the real battle for me. Doubt does not always arrive as some loud, obvious voice. Sometimes it sounds reasonable. It tells me to stop trying, to pull away from people and to believe that where I am right now is where I will always be.
I wish I could end this by saying I have overcome that voice, found the answer and turned everything around. I have not. My back still feels against the wall. I am still waiting, worrying, brainstorming and trying to create opportunities where none seem to exist. Some days, putting one foot in front of the other is the only victory I can claim.
But maybe that still counts.
Maybe I do not need to be bulletproof. Maybe strength is not about becoming untouched by fear, disappointment or uncertainty. Maybe it is about continuing while I feel all of those things. It is about reaching out when I would rather disappear. It is about reminding myself that a difficult chapter is not the same thing as a failed life.
I cannot honestly say that I know everything is going to be okay. What I can say is that I am still here. I am still trying. I am still searching for a way forward, even when I cannot see it clearly.
I am learning to take the next step instead of demanding that I understand the entire path. I am learning that hope does not always feel inspiring. Sometimes hope is simply getting out of bed, writing down another idea or admitting that I am not okay.
This moment is not the whole story of my life. I may not know what comes next, but I am not ready to believe that nothing good is coming. A wise person once told me, It won’t always be this way and through my experience, so far has been true.
For now, I will keep going and have faith my breakthrough is right around the bend. If anyone has anything that has worked for them to get out of a negative head space – please share!
The Worldly Condition 