Processing Emotions

Featured Image Credit: Saiko Weiss

Last year was an experience – it was a roller coaster of emotions – so many big and small things happened. I abruptly quit a job for my own mental health with no back up plan. It was just what I needed for that time in my life, and I found a new job right when I needed to. I trusted the universe and it was all good. I took an amazing European vacation with my kids and my marriage disintegrated rapidly although it was no surprise, we were separated for almost a year before that – but the way it went down was abrupt and still shocking to me, especially when you spend almost 20 years involved with someone else. When I envisioned the end - if it were up to me, it would have been handled with honesty and respect in my mind, but that didn’t happen. It is what it is. People are who they are. My biggest life lesson to date will be – when they show you who they are the first time – believe them.

In regards to the marriage which I hope will be legally wrapped up by the spring, I have no regrets. I know in my heart of hearts I did all that I knew how to do at the time and it always takes two to work on any relationship – no one can save anyone else, let alone a marriage and a family. I also played my own part in this, and contributed to it’s eventual fail for a second time. I knew this already, but I still tried. I still believed my self fed lies that hope or believing in someone’s potential or words would be enough to will it into existence – it wasn’t. Sometimes people just don’t ever grow at the same pace or level and that’s OK. We are both suited to be with another person that has our same ideals and values – because for a really long time they have not been in sync or even similar at all. Once I realized this and accepted it – it was easier to move on. I have no ill will any more – it’s just time to move on. I have also tightened my circle to those who have a similar personal growth mindset and have already been there to support me, my kiddos and my family without judgement and are there to provide positivity and love.

In my journey over the past few months, I have had a whirlwind of emotions that I experienced: Joy, happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, confusion, fear, and resentment as well. The old me would have stuffed deep down all of the negative emotions inside me and try to not even acknowledge them. That’s only a temporary fix, though because then they would bubble up eventually or manifest as anxiety and anger towards others. I also admit to acting out in some ways to my anger that I wasn’t proud of in the beginning of my extreme change of circumstances. I have tried my best to feel all the feelings, to try and combat them and work through them as much as I can, but seriously when you do have anger that might be lingering, you need to work it out! I have also had to apologize when I do act out and try and do better. I’m not perfect and I’m a work in progress. Sometimes for me a pillow just doesn’t cut it if I’m trying to work through my negative emotions. Since last summer, I’ve read a ton of books, keep going to counseling, and hooking up with people who can give me a real perspective and reinforce to me that I am worthy of love and that I need to let go of my fear of abandonment and look at life with a new lens. Sure, I could have found a quick replacement if that’s what I really wanted, but it definitely wasn’t. I am not afraid of being alone, I actually welcomed the calm and the peace – I’m finally happy being around me.

So – with the craziness of the past year, what better way to get the remaining bit of lingering anger or frustration out than breaking a bunch of sh*t in a healthy way? Last night I took the kids and one of their friends to do just that – I feel more of a sense of peace. It was also super fun even if you don’t have any pent up anger. I highly recommend The Breaking Point in Austin to do just that. They also have escape rooms and splatter paint rooms and the owners are super cool/chill. Here’s a look at what we got to do….