It’s January 1, 2024. Happy New Year everyone!! So the saying is normally new year, new me – but that just seems overwhelming. It sounds like the to-do list for an entire new me is just too overpowering - so why bother?
This year I want to be intentional. Luckily for me, I’ve already got my physical self in order which began in August and it’s still a top priority for me. I think the difference for me this time to where I didn’t give up like I did all the times before was due to my attitude or structure to my “plan”.
I struggle with perfectionism and procrastination so I know these two things are top of mind to be handled. I also know so much of those two things all start with my thoughts to myself and to the lies I tell myself to keep me from being successful. The reasons why I failed in the past with my plan is that I believed it had to be done x many times per week in this specific pattern – so if I couldn’t perfectly execute that week I just beat myself up and after 2-3 weeks of “screwing it up” in my mind, I justified it as a reason to quit because I just couldn’t do it right. The crazy thing is – I’m making the rules here – so why am I so rigid with myself?
This time I gave myself grace – sometimes I will have bad days, I will feel tired or heck I could be sick. So I gave myself a break. Instead of M,T,Th,F workouts, I did M, W, Sat, and Sun and still got my 4x in. Sometimes it was just three workouts if it was a really busy week and I ate whatever I wanted for the holidays or had an occasional high-calorie meal and didn’t feel guilty. The key was I didn’t quit and I didn’t beat myself up. I try to live as balanced as I can based on the circumstances.
If I have been successful with my physical health by giving myself grace – what else can I accomplish solely by changing my thought patterns and how I view myself, my goals, and my self-worth?
One thing I’ve also had to work on for my mental health is to remove situations or relationships that don’t contribute to my end goal of self-growth, knowing my worth, and protecting my mental health. Block people if you need to block them – this is your life and you can choose who is in your circle. This can be tricky if it’s family members, co-workers, or even co-parents. Boundaries are key if you decide or have no choice but to remain in the relationship, you can definitely set boundaries of what you will and won’t accept in that relationship. If your boundaries continue to be trampled on then the conversation from your end is only about the purpose or reason why you are still in the relationship and it will be handled without emotion and with kindness. It can be done.
Remember when you are dealing with certain people who don’t respect or even understand boundaries, you will probably be slandered or called “toxic” or “controlling” because you are protecting yourself and those you love the most. People who are used to getting what they want whenever they want are not used to boundaries and don’t like them. The truth is I can’t control other people – I can only control my actions and reactions to people or situations so I have the right to control how a conversation goes and what is discussed if I have to remain in the relationship. I also have the choice to decide what I am and I am not willing to accept in any relationship. How the other person responds or receives my boundaries is their own responsibility.
I have also decided for this year I’m done ignoring my gut, ignoring my energy – ignoring how I physically feel in certain situations and how I feel around certain people. Your body knows – your spirit knows. TRUST YOURSELF. There are so many people walking around as wolves in sheep’s clothing and presenting themselves as one thing, but they are something else entirely. Or they just don’t care about anyone but themselves and don’t know how to be available for anyone else in an emotional relationship. My advice to myself is to look at their fruit – do their actions match their words? Do they follow through? Are they honest and trustworthy? Are they reliable and consistent? Do they have long-standing friendships? Are they loyal? Do they give without expecting anything in return? Can they have deeper conversations about emotions and feelings? If the answer is no to any of those questions- you get to decide if that’s someone you want to spend your time with regularly.
I am also going to be laser-focused on these things when/if I get back into dating. We live in a world of instant gratification so It’s gonna be fun when I throw out my boundary of no physical contact for the first 3 months – or I will be single forever because it’s possible no man in 2024 is gonna sign up for that. If you think you are going to know who your soulmate is in a matter of weeks – bruh or sis, you better wait and see what happens 3-6 months from meeting them, that’s when the rose-colored glasses come off and you will either be stuck because you are too afraid to leave or realize you thought you had a prince or princess and kissed a toad. 9 times out of 10 if someone comes to sweep you off your feet because you are “so similar”, you should probably start researching NPD characteristics ASAP and be the one asking all the questions instead of offering up your life story right off the bat. I am saying this because I speak from experience. I highly recommend everyone read the book ATTACHED by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller if you are single or will be dating soon. That book definitely helped me identify which type of attachment style I am and which one I should avoid.
I can still love and care about someone without having a relationship with them – and that’s the truth. I can wish the best for them and accept where they are but not have to put up with the consequences of their actions if they are living a certain way that is detrimental to themselves or others, or contradictory to what I deem as reasonable. Walking away from someone you love because you have no other choice is one of the hardest things to do. It is also one of the most freeing as well. The good news is – I grew from that place of pain. I have learned what I struggle with. I have learned that I love myself and before I would focus on everyone else around me to avoid my own issues so that is a huge revelation for me.
I am flawed but I am trying. I don’t like labels but I struggle with control, holding boundaries, with procrastination, and perfectionism. I struggle with judgment because I expect a certain level of basic human characteristics in others, but I’m realizing in a lot of cases that’s not possible for certain people so I have to accept what is. I am a mother, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a friend, a co-worker. I am no longer a wife but I’m OK with that. I’m in no rush to find someone else, I’m gonna love me first. I’m in a season of self-discovery, of learning how I can truly do what I tell my kids to do – to find their happiness – to do something they love to do for their future life’s work.
I’m 47 and just now trying to figure it out. I lived for others for so long due to my own character defects and that’s my fault and no one else’s. I know I’m codependent AF and I might actually write a book about it. I actually never wanted to be perceived as selfish so I just agreed to everything to be agreeable and didn’t even know what I really did or didn’t want. 2024 will be a year of self-care and figuring out my wants and needs. My counselor once told me there is a spectrum of self-neglect then self-care and then selfishness. For so long I was in the self-neglect arena – I’m moving towards self-care and not feeling guilty for any of it. If I say no to you for anything in 2024, just know it’s not personal, I’m in a taking care of me mode. Those that really know me, know my heart and know what really matters to me.
I am going to give myself grace this year – that things don’t have to be perfect as I figure things out – I can be flexible with my wants and needs, I can change the plan if it fits me better. I hope if you are making plans, you also give yourself a break and pass yourself some grace.
I hope to spend more time with my friends that have always had my back through the years – you know who you are!! Thanks to my friends and family who have supported me in 2023 and I look forward to making more memories in 2024. I’m jumping into completely unknown territory but I’m ready for it and not afraid. I would 1000% rather be single and filled with peace than feeling stuck or in limbo of a relationship that is not supporting my goal of self-growth, positivity, or even basic emotional or financial support. For all of you truly happily married couples out there – I know they exist as I have friends that model healthy relationships – and I know they are truly with their person and that gives me hope.
Bring it on universe and I pray everyone else’s goals for the new year will be accomplished. Don’t give up, keep showing up, and give yourself some grace! What are you most excited for in 2024?
The Worldly Condition 