The lies I tell myself…

Photo Credit: Athena Iluz

I have realized throughout my life, I have struggled with low self-esteem. I’m not exactly sure 100% where that stemmed from as they say most issues probably relate to childhood. I come from a loving family – my parents are still married and we had no significant problems growing up. I’ve realized that I’m my own worst critic.

For some reason in my close relationships and past marriages, I paired myself with men who were complimentary at first but later turned critical. Maybe that’s a normal thing? Maybe I don’t have enough relationship experience to see if the failures of both marriages were my fault? Maybe my expectations of normal and healthy were too high and when I voiced that and expected more, things failed. Or, do I attract men like that because oftentimes I don’t believe in myself? Do I choose the wrong men?

I suppose I’m still figuring that part out and I don’t believe it matters because I need to do a bit more internal work before thinking about anything serious with anyone else. I do know that I need to check my own self-talk. Now what I’m struggling with is telling myself I wasn’t enough this last time around even though I know that is a lie because no one can have a healthy relationship with an active addiction going on. You can have one, but it will not be fulfilling or healthy.

Here are the lies I like to tell myself and I need to rebuke these and move on:

I don’t deserve a healthy relationship
I don’t deserve that higher-paying job
I don’t look good enough – and this is getting harder as I’m getting older – especially because of the scrutiny women have in society.
I’m not smart enough to do x,y,z
I’m not a good enough mom because of some of the choices I made in my past
I need a man to feel worthy

One of my core fears is being rejected – and now that I’m living through that right now it’s SOOO hard even though in the long run it is going to be the best thing for me that probably ever happened. I just need to let go.

My other core fear is people not accepting/liking me but I know that is an impossibility so I have to let that go as well.

My faith tells me I am enough. My faith tells me I don’t need another person to feel loved. My faith tells me to just keep on keeping on and do this life with joy, grace, and forgiveness. I was single for 2 years before and I had a full life even without a serious relationship so I know I can do it again and that I don’t need a man to feel fulfilled.

I also know that I am blessed and thankful for my friends and family who will always be there for me no matter what. I tend to isolate from people when things aren’t going well – I need to keep that in check.

I am working on forgiveness – I am at the first step – just being willing right now. I think I am going to start intentionally exploring that again so that I can once again live at peace.

Right now, I’m about to Jack Handey myself for the foreseeable future and build myself back up again.

I am worthy
I do deserve my dream job
I am a good mother who has my kids’ best interests at heart
I am a good person with my own flaws that I have identified and am trying to work on
I still have love to give and a great life to live

What lies have you told yourself that need to be rebuked?