A Momentary Lapse of Reason

The past few years have been hard. The further life floats by, the more heartache comes. Lives change, people suffer and death is inevitable. There have been many friends and family members I have lost to a number of ailments – Alzheimers, car crashes, cancer, drug overdoses, a drunk driver and even murder.  The sorrow and heartache, though is magnified and even more crushing  when a loved one dies from their own hands.

Is it just me or is suicide becoming way more prevalent than what everyone wants to admit? From Robin Williams to Chris Cornell and now the crushing news of Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington, it is one of those headlines where you just think “No, not again”.  My first exposure to suicide began as a teen.  I  was a regular visitor at a church where Jeremy Wade Delle attended. If some aren’t familiar, this is the Jeremy that inspired the 90s hit song by Pearl Jam. I did not attend Richardson High School but I saw the news that day and I attended the funeral and I cried. This was not Jeremy’s first attempt at ending his life and in my opinion things could have turned out differently in his case based on the small amount of information I knew. Sadly, it did not and his last attempt on January 8, 1991 was not only final but extremely gruesome.

I don’t understand and can’t comprehend how or why people take their own lives. What I do know is that mental health issues exist.  I do know that there are moments in my life where I have experienced really irrational thoughts yet I never acted on them. I used to suffer with severe anxiety that would physically manifest. I went through a period of emotional trauma where I did not eat for weeks, almost a month exactly. I couldn’t explain it as I just was not hungry at all. If my mind can convince me that I am not hungry when my body clearly needs food, I suppose others can tell themselves that no one cares about them and they are better off dead. In both of these cases, our thoughts and beliefs were so far from the truth.

I am sad that the people I have known that have committed suicide in recent years are no longer here. I am sad that I have personally known 4 people in my life that have died from suicide. The experience for the families left is excruciating. There are so many “what ifs” and so many unanswered questions. There are many people that are angry, that are mad and that condemn those that commit suicide as extremely selfish or that they are “just a coward”. Let’s not forget that there are other circumstances surrounding suicide. Often times alcohol or drugs are involved which completely alter someone’s thoughts, actions and reactions. We also live in a society where we are just supposed to ‘figure it out’. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Get it done. Many times this is easier said than done especially for those with hard and unspeakable things that happened to them during their youth. For those that do just figure it out and make life happen – it seems like the empathy for those that struggle is often absent.

There are events in life that for some at that moment seem completely unbearable. There are past experiences or secrets that keep people wrapped up in pain, guilt and shame. From my experience, there are many people that hate themselves and truly believe that life is no longer worth living.

Many family and friends usually never saw it coming with loved ones that commit suicide. Many couldn’t believe or understand why their loved one would ever consider or think of committing suicide. For Chester, though his suicide is even harder to take because he was so open about his past issues and struggles with his own thoughts of suicide and past drug abuse.  It seemed like his songwriting was his therapy and what kept him going.

There is no doubt that his lyrics helped others get through their own pain and suffering. It is now so devastating that two very talented musicians who struggled with drugs and alcohol maintained sobriety for a number of years yet still ended up leaving this earth because of suicide. Being angry about it is a normal reaction, but is it our job to condemn?

It’s no secret that Chris Cornell had taken too many substances that most definitely altered his mental state that fateful night. It’s very possible the case is the same for Mr. Bennington. They did find a half empty bottle of alcohol in the room which could have contributed to an altered mental state.  What is the lesson from all this? How can we reach out and prevent just one more suicide from happening within our sphere of influence?

The answers are never easy but we can start somewhere. I am going to make a conscious effort to reach out to those I know that have struggled in the past with drugs, alcohol or mental health issues. I want to spend time with them and let them know I care. Even if they are still stuck in addiction – I want to let them know they are loved. I will also encourage them to find a safe person to talk to on a regular basis.

I do not believe we are meant to do this life alone. I do believe we don’t need to isolate in our own heads. If we keep things stuffed deep down inside instead of talking about them and bringing those dark things into the light, it could eventually kill us.

If you are reading this and you have ever contemplated or thought of suicide – please know that you are loved, you are special and you are meant to be here for a reason. You have people that love you, family that cares for you and no matter how bad things may seem right now – it won’t always be this way and that is a fact.

For me I’m just going to have to believe that every person I have known that has committed suicide just had a major momentary lapse of reason. They couldn’t see their hearts and souls for who they really were: unique and beautiful. They couldn’t see past the pain. They didn’t believe that their self worth comes from a deep spiritual level and is not tied to how other people feel about them or treat them.  Suicide does not seem rational to me. It’s not something most people can understand but I feel that those that have not been there need to try. Unfortunately, for those that did lose their lives to suicide what they believed in their mind at that time was real enough for them to go through with it.

I’m going to share some lyrics from one of Linkin Park’s songs titled “Forget All The Rest”:

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest

I choose to remember those lost to suicide for all the good they did do. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Every time we lose someone else in the spotlight to suicide I want to remind the world that everyone is worth something. Everyone deserves to live. Suicide is not the answer.

I wish we could  break the stigma on mental health so bad and get people talking about solutions. I wish we could all seriously consider the impact that drugs and alcohol have on our bodies and our minds because I have a feeling a certain percentage of suicides might have only happened because drugs and alcohol influenced that decision. The world tells us it’s ok – get buzzed, drink on the weekends, do some drugs on occasion and have a good time. Is it really a good time? Is it really worth it?  I am heavily involved in a 12 step program and have been sober from drugs and alcohol for over 6 years (outside of my struggle with cigarettes which is sitting at over a year and a half of not smoking).  I also have not had a crippling anxiety attack in over 6 years as well. I do not feel like I am missing out on life by not drinking or smoking. I partied all throughout my 20s and that was enough for me. It’s funny how the beer and alcohol giants advertise an amazing time while consuming their products but all the while having a small disclaimer: “drink responsibly”.  Our society accepts this lifestyle – and in some cases they glorify it. Pop culture tells us to party, have fun and do whatever we feel like in life that makes us happy. Ultimately, though, what does that cost us? How does it affect our relationships? What does it teach our children?  These are all serious questions we need to ask.

I am praying for those that suffer with depression, anxiety and other issues that bring about suicidal thoughts. My prayer is that they can reach out to others. I am broken. I have struggled and dealt with emotional pain. After years of sitting in rooms and listening to others share their struggles – the symptom of the struggle may look different whether it be drugs, alcohol, co-dependency, overeating, over spending or sexual addiction – yet the root is always similar.  I have deeply been hurt by those around me and I know I will continue to be hurt in life – it is a fact of life. I have made past mistakes that I needed to let go of. I want to be loved and accepted but so I decided to fill that void in my life by deeply trusting in those around me. The result was the hurt feeling even more unbearable because of my high expectations of my loved ones.  In many cases I felt rejected. In some cases I felt unworthy of someone else’s love. I later realized it was exhausting to carry all of these burdens alone and I often felt helpless. That is why I now trust in God and those around me to help me through life. Having faith gives me hope and keeps me out of my pit inside my own mind that could turn me away from life and keeping a positive attitude. There is a saying in recovery – your mind is a dangerous place, don’t go there alone. In my case, it’s true.  For me, isolation made things worse. Holding everything in made it so hard for me. I now realize life is worth waiting through the darkness and witnessing another sunrise or sunset. I now choose to reject my own self fed lies. I now realize I am not alone but my first step was admitting I needed help and allowing myself to trust others.

If you have no one to turn to or feel like you can’t make it another day – post a comment here or e-mail me at theworldlycondition@gmail.com. I will do whatever I can for a fellow human to live another day.  Life is worth living! It’s not always happy and sunny for me and there is still sorrow and pain but I know from experience that doing life with others that have had similar experiences are so important. We can choose to band together and be a part of a community to help others that need it, or we can turn our backs and isolate. I choose to reach out. I choose to make a conscious effort to get to know and  understand those around me.

When I’m feeling down and out which still happens because I am not perfect (it took me a long time to realize perfection is unattainable), I reach out to others that I know may be hurting or I make a point to volunteer in my community. Getting out of self and helping others in the world always changes my mood.  By reaching out to others, it gives me a better perspective on life and helps me stay humble. My wish is that in life we can connect with others on a more authentic level and show love and light to the world when there seems to be so much darkness.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” ~Matthew 5:14-16

How can we let our light shine today?

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