POWERLESS

I haven’t talked a lot about my 12-step recovery other than a few life lessons I’ve learned. This year, I plan to be a little more upfront about it. Next month, I will pick up my 15 year chip for not drinking alcohol. The most change I’ve seen in myself regarding my recovery is being able to change how I look at myself and how I interact with others as my biggest struggle was and still is with co-dependency.

I occasionally teach lessons at the Celebrate Recovery that I attend each week and I feel this lesson is very applicable to anyone who wants to make positive change. The first step in the 12 steps is acknowledging there is a problem.

Step One states: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The point in my life where I realized my life had become unmanageable was when I was consistently dealing with my husband at the time who was continually relapsing in his drug addiction. For a long time, I wrongly believed that “love was enough” or that somehow I could manipulate or control another person’s actions. I am grateful to this day for my ex’s addiction because dealing with that brought me to recovery. I had to admit I had anger, I was sometimes out of control because I did not know how to control my emotions and I took everything that he did personally. My work and career was still intact because I wore many masks and was able to show up to work every day and pour my life into my work to forget about what was going on at home.

Once I realized I was at a loss for what to do next and felt truly powerless – I had to identify all the things in my life that were hindering me from moving forward. This lesson puts a name to those things I needed to finally let go of to start healing. On my socials (tiktok and IG), I will be posting quick short form videos about each one of these, but this post goes into much better detail about each one. Let’s dive in!

P is for PRIDE:
Pride for me was a sneaky one. For the longest time, I truly believed that I was better than other people because for the most part I was consistent, loyal, a good listener and friend. I got angry when others could not show up the same for me that I could for them. I was keeping score. I didn’t meet them where they were at, I expected them to be someone different. I also justified my anger and judgement because look at what they are doing vs. what I am doing – I am the responsible one, I am better! I was really the brother of the prodigal son if I’m being honest. I complained, I got angry and I believed that every single way I reacted to negative situations and the relapses of my ex-husband was perfectly acceptable because I had the right to be angry. I justified my actions and reactions. I will completely admit I was not a nice person during those times. I was harsh, cruel and angry and if you did me wrong, I would lash out.

For a really long time, I played the victim, I didn’t answer for my own actions and I blamed others around me and believed the reason I was in the situation I was in was because of everyone else. I was defensive if anyone questioned me and I was not in a space to hear anyone who was being critical of me, even if it was being communicated in a kind way. I wasn’t going to take it or hear it. I had blinders up and I was not being reasonable or receptive to other people’s feedback. I have empathy for those who are where I once was because I get it – I understand it. I also have very strong boundaries up as well with those types of people. I know it’s not worth my time to invest in people who are unwilling to be open to feedback or to consider what others have to say so that they might be able to change, learn or grow.

I will be receptive if someone has their own awakening and starts talking about amends or owning up to their own behavior, but if that’s not present, it’s not worth my time. I am reminded of Proverbs 13:10: “Arrogance leads to nothing but strife.” I am not perfect and my pride still likes to try and sneak up on me, but I have to be aware of my thoughts and tendencies to return to my negative ways. It’s a constant struggle. When I do mess up or do anything out of pride, I need to promptly admit it and try harder next time. Awareness of my character defects and issues helps keep me in check.

O is for ONLY IFS:
This one I struggled with recently. My ex-husband died of a drug overdose in 2024. It rocked our family, his family, my children and everyone that knew or loved him. I had to move through a world where their Dad was no longer in it. Divorcing him because of his continued addiction was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. I even left the door open with a very hard set boundary that unfortunately he could never get past. The boundary was: Get 6 months of continued sobriety and we’ll talk. He went to rehab within those times, he tried sober living. He tried a lot of different ways to overcome, but it wasn’t consistent. His addiction got the best of him and of course I went through the exercise of the Only Ifs. Would he still be alive if I had not have left him? Maybe, but when your children tell you they can’t deal with the patterns of their addicted father anymore and they don’t want him living with us, you listen. I had to protect them, and I had to let him go and let go of any outcome because I knew it was the best thing for myself and our children.

I Only Iffed all of my relationships. I Only Iffed past jobs where it didn’t work out. I Only Iffed so many things in my past. Spending time in that mental state is not productive. It did nothing for me but take me out of the present. I spent time in the past for too long and I ran future scenarios in my head that didn’t even end up happening. I have to focus on RIGHT NOW, on today so that I can attempt to be my best self. It’s so hard to do and it’s a continued practice for me. After dealing with my ex-husband’s death my therapist and Celebrate Recovery group reminded me that focusing on Only Ifs can severly affect my mental state. I’ve been in recovery for years and they still flooded me after I lost someone I cared about. I wanted him to find his awakenting, I wanted him to get better for his children. It gutted me. I don’t ever wish ill will on anyone – we all deserve to experience joy and happiness in life. I do feel some of us have an internal war going on within us about guilt, shame, and blame. We can all be forgiven if we admit our wrongs and attempt to live differently. To turn away from those things and focus on everything mentioned in Philippians 4:8.

I so wish Ryan would have been able to do that. I always knew him dying was a possibility and I did everything I could from afar to try and prevent that, but he made his own choices and I was in no way involved with enabling his choice to use so in his case, the addcition won. If I would have let them, the only ifs could have eaten me alive. Focusing on any of those thoughts doesn’t change the outcome – so I realized it was a waste of energy and did my best to move forward.

W is for WORRYING:
This one is SOO easy for me to fall back into. When things seem out of reach, or negative things keep happening around me, it’s so easy to start the thoughts of “I can’t do that” or “This won’t work” or “I’m not good enough”. If I focus negative energy on what I worry about, I absolutely know that I risk allowing good to come into my life because I am focusing on the negative or the worst case scenario.

I have to be consciously aware of any self-doubt or worry about the future. If I focus on anywhere else but the present, I’m robbing myself of being the best I can be in the moment. The truth is I am the ONLY person that can negatively impact my life by my own self talk and negative thoughts. I am responsible for my own actions and reactions. It’s my choice to allow another person’s opinion or words to negatively affect me.

I worried about my ex-husband dying from his addiction and that thought honestly probably kept myself in the relationship longer than I should have. I knew after we broke up it was a possibility and sadly I lived that reality. It’s a terrible feeling. I regret wasting my energy on a worst case scenario and I feel terrible that what I worried about and what I was afraid of came to pass. The kids and I knew there was a possibility of getting a knock on our door one day, and that’s exactly what happened, late at night on a Tuesday. It’s unfathomable really and part of me feels guilty for even thinking those thoughts but sadly it’s a reality of every single drug user that chooses addiction over recovery. Overdoses are a reality and it’s so sad that someone died of a drug overdose every 7 minutes in the US within the last 12 months.

I know I can’t allow worry to consume me and I do dedicate daily time for meditation, gratitude time, bible reading and journaling so I can stay on track. Positive habits help me combat any negative thoughts that could take over and take me back to a state of worry. I’ve realized that spending all my past time on worrying produced nothing but a negative state of mind. Worrying is never, ever helpful – it serves no benefit.

E is for ESCAPE:
Escape can be anything I chose to do so that I can avoid the reality of what’s happening in my life. That can be using drugs or alcohol to numb my reality. I did use alcohol to change my mood before I quit drinking but I was truly afraid of drugs because addiction ran in my family. Escape could be focusing on every single thing around me but myself so I don’t have to deal with my own problems. My escape manifested in co-dependency mostly. It could be spending too much time doing any particular thing – social media time, TV or movies, excessively reading, exercising, overeating, spending too much money, etc.

Any one thing that causes us to have an unbalanced life that brings chaos and uncertainty is an escape of our true reality. What I’ve learned in recovery is that most people including myself want to be in control – so we try and do all these things to somehow feel like we are in control, but in reality our stubborness or pride is causing us to do things in excess so that we do not have to deal with the negative parts of us we may not want to face. And then what we fear the most comes to pass because we are causing our own chaos and trauma because we are trying to escape.

For some, it could even be living in denial so deeply, that some things shared are fabrications to get a certain response or outcome from other people. Lying about certain details essentially causes manipulation in others by crafting a story that isn’t even truthful.

I can relate to this as I sometimes would exaggerate situations in my past so that I would look even more like the victim and I would leave out my own unhealthy actions or reactions so that the other person would always be seen as the “bad guy”. This is hard to admit, but I wanted sympathy at that time because my marriage was spinning out of control. Usually if one person is the addict, the other is the co-dependent enabler. It took me a while to see the truth of what I was doing, because when I was in the middle of my past pain – I believed it was really terrible – I almost believed my lies by leaving out my part in everything. I had an altered view of reality and my denial was driving everything I did. Once I was able to get out of denial and live in the truth, I had no further reason to escape and I chose to live in truth and own up to my bad choices.

R is for RESENTMENTS:
I really struggled with resentments for a while. I was in a relationship where promises were broken often, lies were told to cover up an addiction and I was left trying to make sense of it all. I resented the loss of my marriage. I resented that I had to leave and let go of the relationship I had dreamed of. I resented that I was all of a suddenly solely responsible for my children most of the time as my ex was not able to be consistent with child support because he was in an out of jobs, rehabs and continuing in his addiction did not allow for a normal life or situation for his kids or a calm situation for the co-parent.

I now know that living in resentment is not worth it. I was angry, upset and it was affecting my day to day. In May of 2024 our son Declin was graduating high school and I prayed about being able to work through some things so that we could both put our differences aside and come together for our son. That day needs to be about him and there is no room for our issues. I am so thankful that we were both able to have a conversation that didn’t end in a fight. We shared some grievances on both sides and our son’s graduaiton was honestly the best outcome that I could have wished for.

I’m so thankful for being able to come to an understanding of sorts because I had no idea 3 months later we would all be saying our goodbyes to my ex-husband and watch my children go through the reality of losing their father. The last three weeks of his life were a blessing as he stayed with us on the couch during the week while he was working for a friend until he was supposed to start his brand new dream job. That day never came. I honestly do not know how I would feel or how I would have dealt with his death if our last words or communication would have been filled with anger or resentments. In my mind, how everything came together was truly a blessing and I’m so glad I was willing to let go so that we could move forward. The more I think about it, Matthew 5:24 is so relevant on the topic of resentment.

L is for LONELINESS:
Before I got into recovery I used to believe that being lonely was just a fact of life. As a grew in my 12-step program and stayed single to focus on raising my children on my own, I realized that loneliness is a choice. I can be secure and feel loved without being in a relationship. I have learned to love myself. I have learned to have fun with just me! I’m silly and goofy when no one else is around and I really don’t care what other people might think if they were to see me dancing in the kitchen while I clean the house. I am also not alone because I know God is with me.

I realized I will be with myself until the day I die so I better love me! I can’t count on anyone else always being there for me or around me because life is so unpredictable. I know feeling secure in my alone time is growth for me. I will never forget the first time I had broken up with the father of my kids, the house was so quiet, the kids were asleep and I just felt so anxious and weird sitting there with my own thoughts. It was foreign to me because up until that point I had almost always been in a relationship since I was 16. I went directly from one marriage into another long term relationship with very little time to myself.

My last divorce was hard but it wasn’t heart breaking because I’d been there before. I also starting going to therapy more regularly and continuing in my 12-step journey so that I could continue growing and feeling secure in who I am.

I also put myself out there and joined a local friend group of mostly single people who do fun things that I enjoy like volleyball, hiking, brunches and game nights. I have met some really cool people and have been able to feed my social needs without being in a relationship. If you feel alone or lonely – put yourself out there! Find meet up groups or single groups and see what happens. It really has set me up for success being single and I don’t feel like I’m lacking anything in life right now. I can be joyful while single! I don’t have to be in a relationship to feel “worthy” like I used to. I really do love my freedom.

E is for EMPTINESS:
I feel like emptiness is a cousin to loneliness. If I just focus on my feelings and emotions instead of finding my worth in God, I would absolutely feel alone. I would feel lost. I would feel like something within me is missing. I could relate when I was trying to focus on everything and everyone else but me when I was deep in my co-dependency. I did feel empty and like something was missing.

Through my recovery I have learned that my attitude and what I focus on determines if I feel empty or full. My mindset is a choice. For so long I lived in a woe is me mindset. That life wasn’t fair and I just always got the short end of the stick. Now I am living out of a sense of fullness and purpose and I owe that all to my faith, my recovery and my renewed mindset.

My favorite verse that is my most relatable life verse is Romans 12:2 – “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.“

My mind was all mixed up. I formed my own opinions by living in a conditional world and when people let me down I felt empty. Once I worked the 12 steps and knew where my identity came from, my mindset slowly but surely shifted. Change is possible! I just had to be willing do the work to get there.

S is for SELFISHNESS:
I have lived in my fair share of selfishness. I will say that probably my most selfish act in my life was not protecting my children from negative situations related to their Dad’s addiction because I was trying to hold it all together. I couldn’t save him from his addiction or save our relationship but I absolutely tried everything to get a different outcome. I definitely stayed too long in insanity thinking something would finally change.

Luckily there was no abuse, but there were many close calls. There were multiple times where the police were called because I didn’t know what to do. We had to leave our home for the night because we feared for our safety. We had to clean up destroyed items in the home. It was actually my children who told me they couldn’t handle it anymore if Dad moved in with us after we had to sell our dream home because he lost the best job he ever had due to his addiction.

When my kids told me that, I finally listened. Even though I was leaving the relationship and moving on, it was still a very heartbreaking situation. I didn’t want to be alone but I knew I could no longer deal with the chaos that active addiction brings and I had to put my children first. I finally put my children first. Now I try to look at my choices in terms of how they might affect everyone around me and I try to be mindful of that. I do believe that is why I’ve stayed single for this long because I don’t want to bring a man around my children if it’s not going to last. Also, if you are over 40 and trying to date it’s rough out there so I don’t even try anymore. It’s been a waste of my time and I have goals and dreams to focus on so that’s what I’m doing.

S is for SEPARATION:
This last one I equate to separation from God. If I give into all the things previously listed, I am not able to learn, grow or move forward in life. If I fall back into any of these negative habits, I lose. For so long I was separated from reality. I was separated from self growth, self love and getting to know God more. I had to work the steps and in turn I learned more about how He could help me to change my heart, and to bring me awareness of where I need to adjust things.

I still have work to do. I still struggle with co-dependency, perfectionism, procrastination and still some self doubt. Overall though, I’m feeling good about this year and about where God is going to help me achieve what he wants me to achieve. Celebrate Recovery and the 12 steps has brought me clarity, a strong and safe group of people I trust and I was surrounded with support and help when Ryan died. I have no idea how I would have gotten through everything without recovery and my therapist.

Most recently, I didn’t know how I would move forward. I was struggling hard with the season I was in, starting a new career in sales and I wasn’t sure how I would do all the things I’m currently doing right now. Somehow I didn’t crash out – somehow I took some time to rest, and then when the time was right, I crafted my goals and I’m moving forward. It’s been a natural move forward and I have faith I can do this! I’m so thankful for my recovery because I know if I hadn’t invested this time and worked on myself, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing right now. Realizing I have the power to change was transformative for me. I realized I just had to be willing to change and follow a process to do so and put the work behind it. It’s not an easy fix but it’s so worth it! I have moved from feeling POWERLESS, to knowing I have the POWER to overcome whatever life throws at me.

If you are curious about the 12-steps or Celebrate Recovery, you can send me a note, or learn more here.