As I’m starting to write this, the only thing in my head is the song by Salt N Pepa which isn’t about accountability 😂.
I made a quick video about this topic on my IG and TikTok account which has the same content depending on what channel someone might use. I’m sharing some tidbits of my recovery journey on social media in hopes that it might help someone who has been where I’ve been.
I used to play the victim. I believed what happened to me was everyone else’s fault. I didn’t listen to or hear anyone who gave me constructive feedback. Instead, I immediately accused them of their own shortcomings instead of being objective and listening to what they have to say. I was essentially in denial that I had work to do and I was often projecting my shortcomings onto someone else so I didn’t have to deal with me.
I have empathy for people who might be stuck in the defensiveness mode that I was, but I also have little tolerance as well. I am currently in a growth mode in my life. I’m reading more, I’m learning about better thought patterns, my energy frequencies and also how I can throw out negative thoughts to improve my life. It’s very easy for me to recognize someone who used to be just like me because I can identify the patterns quickly. I also know back then I didn’t want to listen, I was combative and negative – I was in denial! So now I don’t waste time on people who are like the old me. It’s a waste of time and energy.
I feel like this world is filled with 3 types of people. The first ones who are stuck and keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. They keep getting negative results in their life and they blame everyone else and continue to be the eternal victim in their story (I used to be here!). Most of these types have other issues like addiction and unaddressed/untreated mental health issues. I got into therapy and recovery to move from this place in my life.
The second ones are the ones who know they can improve, have awareness to their flaws and are seeking to do better. I feel I’m in this category. I haven’t “arrived”, I’m not “fixed” but I’m trying really really hard to be better. I’m in a growth mode and I’m trying to adjust where necessary. As I continue to make mistakes along the way, I apologize for my shortcomings if I unintentionally harm others. I’m doing the best I can right now and I believe people can see that.
The third are the ones who get it – who have that magnetism. Who people are drawn to not because they are manipulating and attempting to control others (Those types of people will most likely reveal their trueselves over time, they cant keep the facade up long term). They are not authentic. The authentic and real ones who are successful, humble, kind and caring are who I’m striving to be. I want to surroud myself with those people I want to be like. I want to learn and grow with someone who has already done the work. I really believe I can get there if I commit to continuing to learn and grow.
I am still flawed, I am still making mistakes but I’m trying to look at myself with the correct measuring stick, not the messed up one from before which was covered in denial. The 12 steps absolutely addresses accountability. Step 10 states: “We continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it”. Of course this is after we’ve made a list of who we had harmed in our past and then made amends. We have to come clean, we have to look at our part unless doing that amends would harm the other person because of complicated dynamics, then you can just write a letter and get your amends out on paper. This has to be done if the person you owe an amends to has passed away. For me being a co-dependent who had an addicted husband for around 18 years living in the same house – all I wanted to do was point fingers. I blamed him.
HE was the one with the problem, if he would just stop, we’d be fine. In reality I was reacting to his addiction in a most unhealthy and negative way. I had to own my part. I couldn’t blame him for me screaming and yelling, bargaining, threatening and being completely unwell through his addiction journey. Sure, my feelings (anger) were a natural response to complete insanity and chaos which is what addiction brings. Regardless, I still had the choice to react in a different way but I didn’t. My addicted loved one didn’t make me do or say anything. I wish I could say my recovery brought him to his own healing. Sadly it didn’t – instead he viewed me as a controlling b*tch because I figured out my minimum standards and boundaries that he didn’t want to respect or adhere to.
After so many times of blowing past my firm boundaries, that’s when I ended the relationship. I had to. I wanted a different outcome. I wanted him to get healing and get sober but I was not in charge of his recovery. I couldn’t make him want to get better. It was soley up to him. I also had to let go of the outcome. I wish he would have figured out his recovery for our children’s sake. Sadly, two years after we broke up he died of a drug overdose. It’s tragic and was totally unavoidable but that is the reality and risk of a lifelong drug addict who doesn’t choose sobriety.
So how can we ensure we are living in accountability? How can we make sure we are living in reality as we move through life?
A few things to consider regarding our own accountability and a few questions you can ask yourself:
Did I react in a positive way today in all of my affairs?
Was there anything that I need to make amends for?
For me these days, usually I feel convicted or a get a feeling in my spirit where I need to evaluate how I reacted or responded in a situation and see if I need to make an amends.
What does accountability look like?
My best description is that accountability is being your authentic self. Flaws and all – everything that encompasses you. Nothing is hidden, you are strong enough to talk about the good and bad parts of you.
Accountability is owning your part. In recovery we say “keeping your side of the street clean”. Accountability is telling the truth no matter what and walking out in integrity. If you struggle with lying, gaining awareness of that trait and promplty admitting it when you do it again so you can correct it moving forward. The first step to change is complete awareness of what is happening – by removing the veil of denial.
Integrity is being who you are all the time which includes being accountable to your actions and reactions. I wore a lot of masks before recovery and acted certain ways with certain people, including my children.
I’m not perfect, I don’t believe I’ve tackled all of my issues, but I’ve come a long way. I am a work in progress but I’m so thankful I’m now open and able to receive constructive critism and not become defensive. My perception has changed and I truly believe every day on this earth is a lesson. So I’m trying to take it all in and not miss out on an opportunity to grow. I have to stay vigilant to ensure I stay out of denial because that’s when I miss the chance to move forward.
What are some ways you’ve been able to be more accountable in life?
The Worldly Condition 