Moving Forward Through Grief & Awareness

Today is hard for the kids and I. Ryan, my ex-husband and the father of my kids would have turned 44 today. I am not sure how to navigate this – we weren’t together – we were just co-parents and friends towards the end but my kids should be celebrating with him today or sometime this week. They will never celebrate a birthday with him again or a holiday or any major keystone events. Their father lost his life because of addiction. 

My heart is heavy but for their sake I want to honor him somehow and based on this tragedy,  I’m going to try and act differently with someone that I know is struggling in the future. We will most likely get one of his favorite types of cakes and blow out some candles in his honor tonight. 

As I reflect on the last few months, I realized In my earlier years, I often struggled with this verse: 

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

When I was pre-recovery I thought how can someone not know what they are doing or not know that what they are doing is wrong? In my years on this earth – I have experienced my own levels of denial – where I thought things were one way from my perception and from my eyes. Once I did my own self-work, I learned my actual truth. I was convincing myself of what I wanted to be true. The reality was somewhere in the middle. I played the victim – I blamed others and I had to deal with that. I lashed out when someone would challenge me or point out one of my character defects instead of hearing what they have to say and truly receiving it. I had to accept that I was crafting my own story for others instead of admitting my part and trying to become a better person. I also think of this verse to not take the addiction personally – it wasn’t directed at me – it was just what he struggled with and his own reality was not based on truth because he believed he needed to use above all else and that is totally a lie!

I recently re-wrote my testimony and shared it with my newest life events. I was struggling with the current state of my life. There is no resurrection story. I’m twice divorced. (technically 3 but two from the same person). How is my story God’s story? The person I once married, planned to have kids with and then remarried is gone. Both times it fell apart because there can be no healthy relationship with active addiction present and I did my fair share of the failure part  because of my anger and resentment. Even after the last divorce I still believed deep down he could overcome his addiction.   During my re-write I was struggling to see God in all of this – why do my kids no longer have a father? Why couldn’t he get sober years ago? Why didn’t he do the right thing for his children? He didn’t even get to meet his third child who now will never know his father. These are the serious risks he took each and every time he made a decision to use. Death is a possible reality when active addiction is present.

The number of relapses and rehabs were many and no matter how many times I told him it was a true life or death situation, it fell on deaf ears.  What I have come to realize, it all comes back to free will and the seriousness of the disease of addiction. Addiction in my opinion is evil – it’s the one way the enemy can destroy someone’s mind, and thoughts which cause complete self-destruction. The father of my kids is sadly a statistic of losing his life and battle to addiction. The addiction brought out pure selfishness and that’s where my anger would come in. It’s not fair how everything turned out but the one positive in all of this for me is that because of my involvement in the 12 steps (Celebrate Recovery) – my great group of accountability partners, my church and my sponsor – I can view this devastation from a kingom view. God gives me strength. He gives me wisdom and I am trying my hardest to listen. The bottom line is Ryan is no longer suffering and my children will see him again. That is what keeps me going. I am here for the living, not to allow the death of someone take me down and away from the people who are here that matter most. 

Right now, my number one priority is my children. I can’t say that they were always my priority because if I had put them first, I would have left the relationship shortly after we remarried as that is when his almost 9 months of sobriety ended which was the longest consecutive time he had in the 20+ years I knew him. I will hold onto those consecutive months and remember that is who he could have been.  If anyone watched Dark Matter, I believe we could have been happy and fulfilled in some alternate reality because he would have made a different choice.  I am trying my hardest to provide consistency, a safe and stable home, and love.  I am also trying hard to protect “the trio” that we call ourselves from harm. We have a nice insulated bubble and we work hard to maintain our peace at home. I have tried to be kinder and also own up when I screw up because I’m only human and I still make mistakes.  

I know this is still God’s story because I have committed to a 12 step recovery program and I know that my identity and self worth lies with God and not another human being, I’m strong and I’m loved both by God and others. I do not need a relationship to feel whole. I used to think I did! That was the sneakiness of my co-dependency.  I am trying really hard to make sure I am not skipping some phase of grief in my walk. I cry when I’m reminded of the good times or when a song or memory comes flooding in. I feel the feelings of anger when they come up because of all the destruction and pain the addiction brought and then I let those feelings pass through. I don’t hold them in any longer and it’s helping me process the million different thoughts and emotions I’ve had since the father of my kids left this earth. There are still more questions than answers and it’s so frustrating. The last day of his life makes no sense.  It’s a weird spot being the ex when you still cared about that person. I still loved him, but it was a different kind of love. I never wanted him to die. I never even thought that but I knew as well as my kids knew that if he continued to use, it was always a possibility.

I am thankful I had safe boundaries in place for protection and that he respected those in the very end. He was spending time with the kids and I while working in the area and he respected my boundaries for a few weeks before he died and did not use while at our house. We had closure of sorts because I will admit I was not nice when we were going through our divorce and I told him everything that I felt he was doing that was damaging to our children when a new relationship was quickly introduced and the confusion and stress it brought to the kids as they were vocal about it to me. I will always defend my kids and speak up for them.  I was telling him the truth of how his actions were affecting his children, but I was not saying it in love. That’s the one thing I acknowledge I need to work on. When I was telling him those things he was not willing to receive it, so it was basically like talking to a brick wall. Luckily, towards the end he had some clarity, he acknowledged some of his wrongs we made some amends of sorts and we were able to have real but productive conversations. 

I have also thought about my growth in knowledge of those addicted. I have huge empathy for those struggling with addiction and the families but I also have no patience for those who sit by and allow the addict to continue using by providing them the means to get access to drugs – either through giving money or access to vehicles or continuing in a relationship when the expectation is sobriety, but relapse is almost constant. If I look at my old self – THAT WAS ME! Enabling an addict can be deadly and I know this as I enabled Ryan for many, many years until I learned how to protect myself and my children and how to set firm boundaries. I have understanding for the enabler because I once thought if I just let him use at home, he’ll be safe. It was so messed up and wrong because he would still sneak out at night to get more drugs – even when I would hide keys, or hide debit or credit cards, he would find them. I would cover for his addiction, I wouldn’t make him leave the home or seek treatment after continued use. I just put on a mask and faked it all while our kids knew exactly what was going on and were suffering. It was truly insanity for a long while. 

I know many times in the moment he wanted to be sober, but he just couldn’t stay consistent. It sucks – really bad for everyone that loved and cared about him. If you are struggling with an addicted loved one, please reach out to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. Get help and support – learn what enabling looks like and remember – you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it. I absolutely know in my 20 years with Ryan those three statements were all true. I had to let go of the outcome and sadly it didn’t work out for him. In terms of someone who was involved with an addicted loved one for many years, I know that in the end I did nothing to contribute to his addiction on the last day of his life. That is the risk any family member or loved one takes with enabling an addict. He is still responsible for his choice ultimately, but other people  can help get an addict their next score whether it’s by giving money, transportation or continued acceptance of using with no consequences. It is also the enabler who has to live with those choices as well. Maybe me writing this will reach a struggling addict or a family member to seek out help – to save your life and to truly and finally get help and healing. The program does work if you work it and it’s so sad so many have had exposure to recovery but it doesn’t take. If any of my words reaches someone struggling – then me sharing my heart, hurt and grief is worth it. 

So now I am focusing on the kids –  getting my daughter through high school as I am doing this solo now and I’m trying to figure out how to do it best through my counselor, my church family, my family and Ryan’s family who have been super supportive during this time. Encouraging my son to find out what his passion is and chase it. I am blessed with the large amount of support we have had since all of this happened. Everyone who helped our family out – you know who you are and I have great gratitude. Getting the knock on the door past midnight was not expected and I don’t wish that experience on anyone ever. I want to honor him for my kids because they have lost their father and we all knew who he could have been. I want to remember the good times and the sober times because that’s who he really was. This is a heavenly birthday post of sorts but also a cry out to those that have lost someone to addiction or have an addicted loved one – because I don’t want this to be someone else’s story. I really don’t.

Every single video or photograph with him in it I know whether it was a good day or bad, if he had been using recently or was sober. So I chose a video from one of our many birthday dinners and he was happy and having fun and was sober. These are the memories I want to remember. Happy Heavenly Birthday Ryan. Your mini-mes miss you.