Every time I go through a rough time in my life – I’m quick to sit and ask Why me? Why is this happening – do I really deserve this? I can sit and be angry – I can sit and cry. I could ignore my responsibilities and fall into a depressive state. I have many ways I could choose to respond when I know my world is going to look really different.
The truth is – I feel like my lesson time and time again is that I can only control myself. A lot of people suck in this world. I can’t help anyone get well, I can’t keep anyone from making terrible mistakes that have dire consequences. I can’t make someone see the damage they are doing by their own choices. I can’t help my kids from being hurt emotionally or being let down by other people’s decisions. That is just going to happen with life, it is a part of it. There are disappointments, and there are trials and tribulations. What I can control is my response. What I can control is what I will and won’t accept from another person. Sometimes that gets tricky if you have to communicate with that person because of family situations but boundaries can still be put in place to protect yourself.
So for my most recent trial, I took a couple of days to process, to cry, to attempt to understand and then decided to start healing. I am so thankful for so many things in this life. My faith which I have struggled with recently but is growing as the days progress. Thankful for my family, my children, my close core relationships, and my friendships who always have my back no matter what. I am choosing to try and be the best version of myself. I choose to actually take care of my mind, spirit, and body instead of letting my mind tell me I’m not worth it. I’m not good enough, I’m not wanted. Or I will tell myself that this is as good as it’s going to get. I tell myself that I don’t deserve actual happiness. My mind can really suck sometimes, too.
Instead of wallowing, I’m ready for my transformation. It’s already happening inside. A seed has been planted and it’s starting to grow. I am going to take more risks and be more transparent and vulnerable with the hope to help other people who might be struggling quietly like me.
I am going to do what I want instead of waiting to see what other people do and then I’ll act. I am going to set an example for my kids so that they can see what integrity looks like and that I will always, always have their best interests in mind over my own wants or desires. Not only will they know that through my words, but through my actions as well. Becoming a mother is one of my single greatest accomplishments in life. I know I have made plenty of mistakes as a mom but my focus is clearer now more than ever and as long as I live on this earth, I will be there for them.
World, let’s check on people. There are many like me who put on a nice mask, a big smile, and pretend everything is OK. If you haven’t heard from someone in a while, just check in on your friends and let them know you are thinking about them. When things are bad for me, isolation is my go-to because I don’t want anyone to know what’s wrong. Everyone goes through hard times in life. The one thing we can do is make sure those we care about aren’t alone.
I love the story of the phoenix it’s a story of hope, rebirth, and transformation. I’m ready to finally shed from my life the forces that are keeping me from fully becoming who I am destined to be (this includes internal and external). I still have work to do internally on forgiveness and truly letting go of any regrets or past hurts that are holding me back. I’m taking it one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time just like my years of recovery have taught me. I will rise as a renewed soul full of love, life, confidence, and care – a bright light shining after my former shadow of a self.
We can all find inner hope and motivation. Sometimes the greatest leap happens after the hardest fall. Let’s go!
The Worldly Condition 