Hello, my name is Wendy and I struggle with Co-Dependency, Control, People Pleasing, and currently dealing with procrastination.
This is how I would introduce myself in 12-step meetings. I am all of those things. I fall in love with addicts, so I’m definitely co-dependent. I want to control things but I cannot – but I still think that I can. Ever since I was little, I wanted everyone to like me. I’m not sure how all of these character traits manifested, but 40-something years later it’s still hard to re-program my thoughts and internal beliefs.
Recently I quit my job. Quickly and abruptly. I told myself if I didn’t work so much I would have time to take care of myself. I recently returned from a 2-week European vacation with my children and it was fun and adventurous but also fast and a bit hectic. I’ve been home one full week today. Have I done any of the things I know I need to do for me? Umm…..barely.
I suppose this time off has taught me that internally I make many excuses for many things. When my day is wide open and I know that first thing is when I need to work out – I talk myself out of it. My thoughts: “Oh…you have all day, do it after lunch or after you do x,y,z with the kids”. Then it’s 11pm and I didn’t do anything from my list for me. I did do all the other things required like working (when I had my job), feeding my dogs and children, and getting them to where they needed to go. Why do I neglect my needs? Is it a mom thing – or just a me thing?
I’m now wondering if I’m inherently lazy or if I really just need one damn week to relax and be lazy and do the bare minimum? Don’t I deserve that? Or is that being selfish? I’ve worked a full-time salaried job since I was 19. Outside of having my two children and normal vacations, there has been no break. Adulting is hard – sometimes it absolutely sucks but I still get up every day and do it. It’s so weird not having a daily agenda but I’m not going to lie, right now it feels glorious.
My biggest wonder right now is if I have it in me to be truly disciplined. If I really think about it – a salaried job for a corporation is safe, it’s predictable and if the company is run well, you get your paycheck every payday and you have benefits. You know what hours you are expected to work and you just do it. I’ve been safe for soo, soo long. Now I’m in ‘scary’ territory. What do I want to do when I grow up? Do I have it in me to be successful on my own – as a consultant or a freelance worker? Do I have it in me to dip my toes into multiple areas that interest me and string together a decent living?
Time will tell. I say Monday is the day – that I actually do all that is on my dream list. See – I’m the best procrastinator – I’ll do it later. Ha. Maybe I did just need a week, or maybe I’m just a lazy ass and I don’t want to accomplish anything. I know that working for so many years proves otherwise but when I had that job I was accountable to the company – to my co-workers, to my family to keep that job. Now it’s just me relying on myself and myself only. I’m worried that I won’t be able to do “it”.
I am not sure what it will be, but I have ideas. So many ideas. Book writing is one, helping small businesses with their marketing is another and even maybe opening up an Amazon store for t-shirts or mugs that have sayings on them that I would want to own/wear and hoping the internet does too.
I do know that right now my opportunities are vast and wide but it’s up to me to actually do the work. I know I just need to do it. I also know the best habits of successful people but sometimes I just don’t wanna.
I really really hope and pray that next Monday I do Just Do It. Or, maybe Tuesday.
The Worldly Condition 